satire
15 Feb 2008
Andrew Bolt, Please Forgive Us
Ben Pobjie offers his apologies to the traditional owners of the Herald Sun opinion pages
The Herald Sun's esteemed opinion columnist, Andrew Bolt, is upset. Very, very upset. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd's apology to Indigenous Australians seems to have set something off in the poor fellow. He's so apoplectic with rage he's started making sheep noises. And I have to say, I feel a little bad for him. He just seems so furious, so desolate at the way the country's going. And the fact is, we're to blame. You and me, and our fellow left-wing, do-gooder, bleeding-heart PC Australians. We've given poor old Andrew heartburn. And at a time like this, I think it's only appropriate that I offer, on behalf of the nation, an apology to Mr Bolt.Andrew, I'm sorry that, as you say, the Prime Minister offered an apology to stolen generations "no one can actually find". Many of us found quite a lot of them, actually. There were a fair few up in Canberra the other day, in fact. I'm truly sorry you still can't find them. Maybe you could ask your friend Ms O'Donoghue to help you look.
I'm sorry that any of us have the temerity to suggest that Australians might, once, somewhere, somehow, done something for racist reasons. I'm sorry on behalf of all those people who keep talking about "stolen generations" rather than "rescued by kindly European philanthropists generations". I'm sorry such an acceptance of history reduces you to such bitter tears of affronted patriotism. And I'm sorry that it was us, the people of Australia, who wilfully and deliberately accepted that history without the slightest regard for your feelings. We are sorry.
I'm sorry that you think an email from Victorian Education Minister Bronwyn Pike encouraging schools to mark the day of the apology seems to you to be equivalent to turning our children into ‘Red Guards'. I am deeply sorry for the hurt and anguish your paranoia and Cold War fantasies must be causing you. I apologise, on behalf of Ms Pike, for the suggestion that schools should "acknowledge" the day. In future, on occasions of historical import, we will all do our best to completely ignore what's going on. Like we did back when the Aboriginal children were being stolen, which, again, I would like to apologise for mentioning.
I am very, very sorry, Andrew, that you were so upset by the national Sorry. I'm sorry that the sight of the welcoming ceremony cut so deeply into you. I'm sorry for all those deeply offensive tears of joy. I realise now how the spirit of unity and pride, although entered into with good intentions, was in fact unpardonably objectionable and hurtful to the traditional owners of the Herald Sun opinion pages.
But clearly, it's not just the apology that's got you so worked up, Andrew, and I realise we bear responsibility for so much more that's upset the applecart of your life.
So I'm sorry, Andrew, that so many of us lefties act like we don't like you. I'm sorry that Robert Manne and Jon Faine were mean to you. I'm sorry that the rabid left-wing is brainwashing our youth through their awesome power and total domination of the media, and all you get is an entire page to yourself twice a week in the most widely read daily newspaper in Australia to fight against the massive, unstoppable tide of Marxist lies. I'm sorry that you don't have your own TV show; maybe you and Gerard Henderson could form a support group.
I'm sorry so many of us have bought into the global warming hype; I'm sorry that our political biases have caused us to so blindly follow the relevant science. In addition, I am sorry on behalf of the planet Earth for allowing its climate to change in such a reckless and decidedly politically correct manner. It is possible, I concede, that the planet has undergone warming in response to an email from Bronwyn Pike.
I'm sorry nobody listens to your warnings about Greens being Nazis. I promise that when Bob Brown sets up his first death camp, we're all going to feel really silly.
I'm sorry nobody will listen to the good news about Iraq. I'm sorry we get so fixated on the car-bombs and POW-torture that we neglect the important issues, like all the freedom and democracy floating around, and the soccer team and stuff.
I'm sorry that the culture wars are over. I'm sorry if that makes you feel irrelevant. I know how awful it is for you when you run out of things to fulminate on. I'm sorry if the lack of opportunities to rant about black armbands ends up forcing you into another article about the sinister left-wing agenda of children's cartoons. I apologise sincerely and without qualification for the pain and suffering caused by the political correctness of Finding Nemo. And I'm sorry for those people unkind enough to suggest that someone who considers talking fish a threat to our way of life is less a serious political commentator and more some sort of hilarious caricature of a right-wing lunatic. The suggestion is cruel and unnecessary, and I'm sorry it was ever made.
I'm sorry artists get art grants, and I'm sorry the Liberal Party isn't conservative enough. I'm sorry academics keep disagreeing with you, and I'm sorry there are still people who don't think Christian folk are the best folk in the whole wide world. I'm sorry Victoria was so disgustingly PC as to make a woman Police Commissioner, and I'm sorry there's too much sex on TV. I'm sorry for not being scared enough of Muslims, and I'm sorry for watching Media Watch.
But most of all, Andrew, and I think I speak for all my countrymen and women here, I'm sorry we didn't listen to your warnings. I'm sorry we all lost our minds and voted Labor. And I'm sorry that the country hasn't sunk screaming beneath the ocean as a result. It must really hurt that Kevin hasn't killed us all yet. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry we had the blazing audacity to kick John Howard out. I apologise for our flagrant ingratitude towards him for all he did for us, and to you for all you did for him. I'm sorry for that little smile we keep allowing to creep onto our faces. I am so, so sorry for the way we put you on the sidelines.
For the pain, suffering and hurt of you, your fellow Howard-boosters and their descendants, we say sorry. To Bolt and Akerman, Henderson and Windschuttle, for the breaking up of the Liberal leadership, we say sorry. And for the indignity and degradation thus inflicted on a proud right-wing people and a proud culture of denial, dog whistles and xenophobia, we say sorry.
Honestly, Andrew, I’m really and truly sorry for you.
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I can’t understand why anyone would read anything by Andrew Bolt. But I absolutely agree with Ben. Some people you just can’t help feeling sorry for. It must have been a very bitter pill for young Andrew to swallow.
Bolt’s rants have become quite unhinged of late; but the saddest part of it all is the forum he provides for the Lunar Right of suburbia to vent their hatred , fear and ignorance of the new Government. Is there anyone in politics - other than the likes of Mirabella, Tuckey et al - who Andrew admires? So sad.
This is a brilliant piece of writing, something that doesn’t occur very often. Thanks god for satire.
Ben, take a bow!
P.S. Andrew, I hear that St. John is looking for a ghost writer for his lackluster memoirs. Someone as insubstantial as you would be eminently suitable.
www.dangerouscreation.com
Brilliant — made my day. Rarely read comments in the Sun but having to listen to Andrew Bolt on Insiders isnot good for my blood pressure
Oooooh ! Why did you mention Lowitja, Ben ? She admitted some years ago that she was not stolen but was taken by her father to be put into care, at a very hard time in the cattle industry when work was very hard to come by and it was quite impossible to look after kids, around 1935 or so. As it happens, I came across his letter pleading with the mission to take his son and daughters, while he looked for work in Queensland. He never returned, in fact got married there. That’s how it was in the cattle industry in the 20s and 30s, at least for children of Aboriginal mothers and non-Aboriginal (i.e. non-person) fathers. Argentine beef was selling at a fraction of the Australian price in Europe, so the Australian cattle industry, never very robust, was facing enormous competition at a time when prices were low. Big surprise ! a flood of Indigenous children were being put into care from cattle country in SA, almost invariably ‘half-castes’, and maybe, for all I know, in other states as well.
Many children have a genuine story to tell like this one. One problem with historical research is that you have to actually do it, surprises and all, not just stick to a formula: Captain Cook invaded our land, shot a lot of our people, fed us poisoned flour, pushed a lot of us off cliffs, herded us onto missions, flogged us, made us work 25 hours a day, fed us nothing but stale bread and dirty water, stuck rulers down our throats if we tried to speak our own language because he hated our culture so much, and the only friends we had were Ned Kelly and the Jolly Swagman, who killed him. Bingo ! If you know that, you know all of history.
The truth is actually much more time -consuming, dreary, but eventually (sometimes) interesting, full of unexplainable factors and puzzles.
Ben, this was hilarious satire, absolutely brilliant, thanks for making my day.
Dog-whistles. A very interesting concept, especially for us paranoiacs. Now we’ll be looking for them, Left and Right. i.e. what sort of messages are being sent out that are recognised only by the in-crowd, Left and Right (the Right has no monopoly on them) ? The things that ordinary suckers see and hear as no more than what they claim to be ?
So what’s new ? My favourites are photos of Indigenous kids used in museum exhibitions and by the ABC - photos of kids going about their business, but who we are meant (I think) to feel tragically sorry for, Indigenous kids in such alien dress as Western clothes - awwwww! - and in such alien settings as school rooms - awwwww! - so cruel ! So oppressive ! so alien !
But, folks, I’ve got news for you: Indigenous people may not see it that way. The first educational contest in Australia (in 1818) was won by an Aboriginal girl, Maria Lock, who beat all those white kids with twice as much schooling. The first railway in Australia had Aboriginal people working on it (hey, I’ve seen the photos): So Blackfellas may have seen a railway before your ancestors, dear reader. Certainly they would have seen the overland telegraph before most white fellas. And the first planes ? Why do you think that Indigenous people may not have seen them, or ridden in them, before your ancestors ?
Yet, even such a relatively-enlightened body as the ABC will keep showing shots of Indigenous kids and people as if to emphasise how alien modern life is for them, and how idyllic (and, of course, viable) traditional life is for them, either long ago or far away, the further the better. No folks, Indigenous people have been in Western society for a long time, in spite of segregation policies, and are here, now, maybe even next door, and are here to stay. Get used to it.
An absolutely stupendously satisfying read, Ben!! Thanks. Will be posting & emailing like mad.
Ben Pobjie: thanks for this unique, refreshing and spot-on piece of satire. I heard about Bolt’s rants on the ‘Sorry’ speech, and I read it online. It was shameful, bigoted and racist. You’ve said it well. Somehow I doubt he’ll read your peice though. Thanks again. I look forward to more of your writing.
I am so sorry Andrew that this article amused me. I thought I was recovering from my leftist, elitist prejudices but It seems it seems that my hopelessly unreconstructed brain keeps backsliding into evidence-based thinking.
Will you still let me be a fellow Aussie or do I have to move to Cuba?
I’m just a filthy American, but even I know this is great.
Perhaps Ben Pobjie is the one who should have a column in a big newspaper twice a week.
Is there any chance that people can move from slagging personalities like Bolt to examining and critiquing the principles that they expounded ? Or do we keep things on this infantile level ?
I agree with benmcd - move over Andrew Bolt, Pobjie is in the house
RMG I do believe you haven’t read this article in its entirety, much less comprehended any of it
Hi Biuqs,
How to get beyond the personality to the principle - this is going to be a gigantic task for the Britney Generation.
I don’t actually recall reading anything written by Andrew Bolt - after all, as a Sydney-born South Australian, I don’t take much notice of anything written by a Melburnian. Not a good principle, I’ll admit. You’re right, I should take more notice of what both Andrew Bolt AND Ben Pobjie write, what principles are they asserting or defending or critiquing, what are the issues that affect society that they wish to thrust on us, or devalue. What are the arguments for or against a point of view - I don’t really care for Britney Politics.
Ah Andrew Bolt, makes Miranda Devine look like Naomi Klein
Great piece Ben.
Simon,
Please help me here: do you mean that the principles that Bolt stands for, and the arguments that he mounts, are so extreme and Right-wing that they make the principles (such as they are) and arguments of Miranda Devine seem as progressive and Left-wing as the principles and arguments of Naomi Klein ? That the manner in which Bolt opposes and denigrates certain important progressive causes is even more reactionary than that of Devine, so much so that he makes her seem as enlightened as Naomi Klein ?
I’m not trying to be funny, just trying to redirect attention to principle, which will be with us for a while yet, rather than mere personalities, who come and go. I just hope that we can move on from this way of short-cutting informed discussion even if it matches our sound-bite culture.
Yes RMG that is what I meant, and in the brevity of a single sentence. And it rhymed.
I’m sorry RMG if I redirected attention from principle. I’m sorry if by doing so I reinforced our sound-bite culture. I’m sorry.
rmg1859 said:
"Is there any chance that people can move from slagging personalities like Bolt to examining and critiquing the principles that they expounded ? "
No. No, there’s not.
(But the Lowitja reference would have made more sense to those who ARE familiar with Mr Bolt, just so you know)
Fair enough, Simon. Thanks.
I’m sorry, Ben, that principles are to be ignored, that nobody will be required to examine arguments and critique them or analyse them, or evaluate them, or get beyond the most facile. Should we change the name of NM to New Britney ?
What have you got against Britney, anyway?
Funny, I thought you might ask that. Sorry, I’ve got nothing at all against the poor girl, I shouldn’t attack one of NM’s idols, except that she really is a ditz. But if that’s the level of NM argumentation, so be it. Sorry !
Gold.
Once the commie-hotbed that is the mainstream media finally silences Bolt and his drivel, I reckon Mr Pobjie should inherit his blog, columns, and thirteen thousand radio and telly appearances.
Toaf,
Commie-hotbed ??? Which media did you have in mind ? Murdoch’s fascist, US-running dog imperialist apologist rag, or the wishy-washy Age, or the putrid Herald, or blatantly upper-class-oriented Fin Review ? The ABC, with its Board totally stacked with extreme right-wingers ? Don’t even mention the other trash networks. Toaf, the only media outlet which was cautiously moving even 10% towards being an agent of commie-hotbeds would have been the esteemed New Matilda, and even that has been taken over by Who magazine, with its plan to put Britney and Paris on its Board. Maybe Mr Pobjie should shave himself like Britney, out of sympathy forthe poor thing - I’d like to see that. Well, not all of it.
Well done Andrew Probjie, I hope we see more of your undoubted talent. rmg1859 you should not use the word Bolt and principle in the same sentence. Bolt has accused me of lying about some well documented undertakings in South Africa. It was the dirty Howard regime(don’t you love it) that gave him a life. As with Costello, Downer, Nelson, Flint and Henderson he is painfully and slowly comming to the realisation that his finest hours are past. The last edition of The Insiders confirmed that.I am not sorry for Bolt he is a bully and singularly gutless.
bruce haigh
rmg, I was being sarcastic. Bolt likes his readers to believe that he is constantly being silenced by the left-wing media conspiracy. His omnipresence suggests otherwise. If only there were less of the likes of Bolt and more of the likes of Pobjie.
Hi Toaf,
Sorry, as a commie, I went off a bit half-cock at what I thought was another Right-wing rant. As an OF, I don’t understand sarcasm.
But I do understand that Bolt is gone. Bury him and move on. It’s different times now and we need to try to get used to it, there is so much to be done.
Bruce, neither should you. And, oh joy ! you never will have to again ! He’s gone, so do we keep looking back at a familiar landscape and curse it, or do we look forward into the promising unknown and plan for it ?
Very enertaining!..pity it had little relevance to actual facts..but I guess that passes for satire. Simply make your straw man and knock it down.No doubt contributor Ben Dover will write a piece re surburban white children being placed in protective care as a "stolen generation"..but don’t hold your breath.And while he is on the job perhaps he could explain how 1/16th aboriginal heritage classifies one as an aboriginal rather than a Caucasian..hmm..last person who thought that way was Hitler wasn’t it?
This apology is reckless in the extreme and I refuse to attend. Ben, you have paved the way for compensation claims by Bolt and his ilk. How will we be able to afford chardonnay and lattes now? Ben, you really should apologise for your apology.
P.s.please excuse the typo on entertaining..but better a missing letter than Ben’s missing facts/analysis
Hi Outfield44,
There used to be a simple answer to your question: because people had been treated as if they were 16/16 Aboriginal all their lives, slagged by ignorant little white bully pricks on the way to and from school, denied opportunities and put into the ‘vocational’ stream at school, treated as half-wits (oops, that’s now, isn’t it?) and had it made crystal clear that the smallest taint of Black blood meant exactly that, that they were Aboriginal. Your parents and grandparents did that, perhaps.
But the people treated in this way always knew that they could rely on other people for solace, people also called ‘Aboriginal’, people, relations, with whom they shared history, graveyards, tragedies and celebrations. That’s what made them Aboriginal, that combination of experiences from pricks like you and experiences with their ‘own’.
That is why the apology is absolutely insufficient unless it is extended to the vast majority of Aboriginal people who were NOT taken away. Humiliation carries lifelong scars of bitterness, total mistrust, revulsion.
Nobody is going to get off that easily.
Hitler thought he was Aboriginal? Where did you read that Outfield44?
You’re right Ben, Bolta is more to be pittied than despised, but he doesn’t make it easy to hold him in anything other than complete contempt does he?http://dantealighierisinfernothedivinecomedy.wordpress.com/
rmg..you are truly pathetic!..My granparents had no contact with aborigines, you moron.As for your attempted rebuttal of what constitutes aboriginality or any other racial group..it was simply making a point as to inconsistency and lack of objective means of dealing with the hangers on ( like yourself) who use the documented mistreatment of aborigines to push your own agenda of exaggeration and distortin of facts…as if only YOU can share their grief..what have YOU done for your fellow man besides slagging off anyone who has an alternative viewpoint.
P.S. Dont quote history to me rmg..you don’t have the intellectual capacity to read it, much less understand it.
BIUGS..I don’t know why I bother answering such a ridiculous comment.Try reading..my point was that Hitler classified groups (ie. Jews..ever heard of the Holocaust?) on the basis that no matter how little Jewish ancestry they possessed they remained Jews and in his eyes,and as such, sub human.In short they couldn,t become Aryan although in terms of lineage they would objectively be more Aryan than Jewish..Hope that doesn’t give you a headache.P.S. Don’t bother telling me I am suggesting Hitler was Jewish..that would be too ridiculous even for you!!
Hmmmm. (Boy, I love this game!)
* 1: Outfield, I forgive you for the gratuitous insults. You are as entitled to your point of view as I am to mine, but whereas you seem to be intent on downing my right, I am more than willing to up yours.
RMG..How gratuitous of you to "forgive" me..almost divine one could say..but then again you see yourself as godlike..which is a neat trick from an atheist!
As for personal remarks..you must be joking..go back and read the vitriol you posted..including assuming ,based on nothing more than your pre conceived prejudice that to ask a QUESTION means ones parents/grandparents persecuted the aboriginals.I don’t assume to know what your parents did..nor do I care..suffice to say that whatever "sins" they make have committed, YOU would represent the severest punishment a parent could endure.
P.S. Nice of you to "allow" me to express my opinion..I wasn’t aware that I needed your permission or assent to do so.
Hi Outfield,
Can you go back and look at your reply to BIUGS - it answers your question, to which I responded so intemperately. No matter how distant one’s [Jewish/Aboriginal/whatever] ancestry, in a racist society one is 100% [Jewish/Aboriginal/whatever]. Check out ‘Show Boat’: the one-drop-of-blood rule. Look at how ‘Coloureds’ were treated in South Africa under the Apartheid regime.
OK this time: next time, the thunderbolt. Or the seven plagues. Maybe not the Flood again, it didn’t work too well the first time. I’ll work on it.
Reading the comments, one might almost think an insightful political article had been written…
Anyone else wondering about the use of the word "gratuitous"?
BPobjie..I am sure people have more important things to do than ponder/analyse my use of the word gratuitous.While we are on the subject of words..your reference to yourself in the third person is interesting..have you joined royalty?..or simply having delusions of humbleness?
Good point, but then again, I am sure you have better things to do than comment here. I know I do, and yet, as is so often the way, I succumb to human weakness.
I would be grateful to you if you would point out where I referred to myself in the third person, I can’t seem to find it myself. Unless you are under the impression use of the word "one" to mean "someone" is "the third person"? Thanks.
Can we please declare that the horse of this article has well and truly bolted ?
Re Third person..when one uses the word one when it specifically refers to ones self..or is that "one" upmanship?
P.S. I did enjoy your article despite all the above.
I certainly agree with that rmg.
Outfield, glad you enjoyed it, and thank you. But no, I wasn’t actually referring to myself (not that it matters). It was a general "one". If I’d said something like "Ben Pobjie really is happy with himself today", then yes, all hope would be lost and I would have to immediately become a professional sportsman.
And now I am going to stop commenting in the thread of my own article, it’s sick.
Andrew Bolt grew up in total ignorance of special laws that applied to indigenous Australians for over 100 years of our history. He never heard of the ’67 referendum. For Andrew Bolt, things started to go dreadfully wrong in 2004 when he wrote:
“The Australia I have long loved didn’t judge people by the colour of their skin. Until now.
The Australia I have long loved didn’t judge people by their race, their ancestors, or the date their family first trod on this wonderful land. Until now.
We were born here – or settled here – as equals, and we were judged as individuals. No law presumed otherwise. Until now …
No, they were judged as we have long wanted to judge everyone – not by their race or origin, but by what they did.
And that is what has made Australia so welcoming, so liberating, so fresh, so free. Until now.
Australia didn’t judge people by the colour of their skin – until now.”
A Bolt, 31 October 2004, ‘Our dream land is now divided’, Herald Sun, p. 23.
At what point does the peddling of such lies and misinformation become racial vilification?
Mike Clancy
http://www.howardseduction.com.au/pdf/noise_makers.pdf
Biggsy read this out on 3RRR this morning. Just have to say that it made our day in the office. Thanks, Ben.